Ponderings From Deep Within....

Lately I've been reflecting about my life and the world which I live in. I really am not sure which I like better ;-)~

I had this toy let's say....and it meant the world to me. Then one day I noticed a crack in the toy. I cried about it and fretted over it and then used duct tape to hide the crack. It wasn't as pretty as it was before it cracked but it was still functional. Then another crack appeared and more duct tape was added. Still functional Yes! Not perfect but that's okay.
Then as time went by more cracks appeared, more tears, more heartache, more frustration and more worry. I was so afraid to play with it because I thought if I do this, the toy will break and I was scared. It got to the point where the toy had duct tape over every part of it. Now it didn't even work. It was gone, broken, and damaged.
A decision has to be made. Do I keep it and just don't play with it. It has such sentimental value to me. There are so many memories associated with this toy. It's been with me for so long, I don't know how to let it go.
Friends say, let it go, it's useless! It hasn't been giving you happiness in many years. Look at all the damage. Look at what that damage has done to you. You cry so much everytime it breaks, you tried so hard to fix it--and for awhile, you did! You should be proud!! But it's really gone now. You can store it but it's going to always be there and the pain will go along with it. Or you just throw it away, take the memories (good and bad) with you and you start over.

I know there are better models out on the market, but I honestly don't want to have another one because things like these.....you're not supposed to replace.

Insomnia Sucks!

So it's 3:17 am and I just can't sleep. So I figured that I would update my poor, neglected blog. There's also a few other reasons to add there. One is, typing helps me! When I'm anxious and concentrating on my breathing too much I just type. That way the focus is off my breathing and on to what I'm typing. It's a tried and true method for me.
Okay so what should I write about? Well how about my new bead release out? It's something that I've been working on for awhile now and this past week has been extremely busy making batches and more batches. Hopefully I can build up enough stock to last a little bit and then I can try and create a dry release so that people can mix up a small amount at a time. I think that would be a wonderful thing. It would save money for people overseas who pay an outrageous amount of shipping in the first place and also, how many times have you had bead release that dried up all the time? If you're a beadmaker that's constantly on the torch this might not apply but for me, this is something I deal with on a regular basis. (Yea, I don't get a chance to torch much.) Granted, I could, but  lately I have no motivation to do so.

So here's the story on the bead release as it stands now.
Mama G's Bead Release is in the house!! Yes, we finally took the plunge and started our own bead release. It feels wonderful btw!!!
This bead release is wonderful too. I was a die hard Fusion user. I loved that stuff. There was one drawback however. Getting the beads off the mandrel was a pain in the ______(Insert your own word.) I would always have to use pliers on the mandrel. ALWAYS! Didn't matter what size mandrel I used. Then of course the pressure I would put on the pliers always bent my mandrels. Oh yea, I'd still use the little buggers but of course, then I'd have beads that wouldn't come off the mandrel because of the bent part. I am so bad at throwing mandrels out and so I'll do whatever I have to do to strengthen them back up. Yea that worked. Sure it did! Most of the time, I took a hammer to the mandrel to get beads off or to get it straight. No it didn't work!
So off to the trash can they went.
Mandrels aren't expensive. It shouldn't have been a big deal but it was. More frustration than anything.

This new bead release eliminates that. They come of the mandrel with a slight turn of the wrist on the mandrel (without a pair of pliers on the bigger sizes) and they don't even have to soak at all. Cleaning is a breeze too! So forget all the other jars of bead release I have. This is the one that's for me, created by me and hopefully by you too! I never, ever thought I would ever find a release better than fusion. To my surprise, it was my own that somehow worked!

How great is that?

Wanna see the logo?

Isn't it cool?
So now with that said, I feel a bit better. Heating pad on the shoulders and listening to Air1 on the radio. Uplifting music always helps. You can't be down when listening to this station. You should check them out at Air 1  They aren't your normal praise station. Lots of great songs for all ages. Some even rock.
I think I'll try this thing called sleep again!

Heavy Heart

This week has brought some sad news that has me very down in spirit. My husband lost an aunt over the weekend. Granted, she led a good life and lived to be in her older years but it still has me bothered. My sister's husband just lost his sister who put up a brave fight with bone cancer.
My own sister is still fighting with ovarian cancer.
I really hate the word cancer and wish it could be banished from this world!!
It's amazing what this world concentrates on. We have million dollar trips to outer space to put satellites high in the skies above us. (Watching our every move). Come on, you know it's true. Just look at Google Earth!
We waste money on research that doesn't benefit anyone. Who cares if there's life on Mars? Who cares if they found another black hole inside a black hole? What does this do for me?? NOTHING!

Why not spend money researching a cure for cancer, leukemia, hepatitis c, fibromyalgia, arthritis, asthma, and countless of other diseases that are ravishing decent  human beings!
I am so sick of the priorites of this world and saddened that no one cares about their fellow man anymore.
Okay...rant over!

New Beginnings

A New Year! A New Beginning! I don't believe in resolutions. I believe in change but I feel that change should be made as we realize there is need for change. What does a new year have to do with that? Every year I wish the same thing. To be more organized, to finish what I start, to exercise more, to live more...etc.
Every year I break those thoughts within a few weeks in because life just doesn't work that way. Life is hectic to say the least. We do great for awhile and then things get a bit behind and were throwing paperwork in boxes because it's piled up so much that we just feel overwhelmed to file it all. And that's when it crumbles. From that point on to the end of the year it just spirals downward.

I decided this year I wasn't going to make any resolutions. I just want to strive to be my very best in all that I do. I also decided that I wasn't going to be so hard on myself.
Life is a gift and I sooo get that. I'm just going to wake up each day thanking God that I'm still here. I'm going to hug my children and my animals more. I am going to be thankful for all the good in my life and even all the bad in my life. I consider it all a blessing!

It's okay that I'm late on things and that I don't finish everything I start. That's the creative mind at work. It goes from one project to another as it see's fit. It doesn't have rhyme or reason, it just has passion! Motivation? HA! That's another word that's thrown out into the world. You can't be motivated without passion.
Today, I live my life the way I want to--not the way someone else wants me to.
 I think I'll be a better person for it!

How Do You Keep Up?

I can't keep up. I love to journal, love to write, but when it comes down to it, I'm always behind. I've always been told, I'll be late to my own funeral. Actually, that's fine with me.
This new job is kicking my butt. My feet hurt! My back aches from standing all day long.
I have to admit I love it though. It feels good to be back out among the living. It might not have been my chosen profession but I work with a bunch of great people and I'm finally finding some happiness.
Wish my home life would be the same. Tomorrow the other half is going to talk to someone. I hope it helps!
If not,  tomorrow might not be a good day around here. Not sure what's going to happen but if things don't work out, I will need to find yet a 3rd job in order to support myself and two kids still at home.
I have hope, I have the faith that God will work it all out. For the first time, I feel at peace with this and know that I'm a survivor and have been since I was a little girl and that I have it in me to do what it takes to be okay.
Blessings to all of you and I hope that you also realize how strong you are. You may not feel it sometimes but it's there!

Changing Seasons

The air is becoming slightly cooler lately and I know that fall is just around the corner. I can't wait!!!! It hasn't been the only change that has come to my life. I now have an outside of the home "job!" I have just started my second week and I really love what I'm doing. I work at the post office. Although, it's not a job where I have my degree in or where I have trained to be, it was an open door for me to venture through. For five years I have had my own business. It came at a time where I needed to be home. Many reasons for it. It served its purpose and taught me alot. Working at the post office I do shipping like I did here but OMG there is so much more that the post office does than what I did. So much more to learn. I plan on holding on to the glass business for as long as I can but with such a down economy, time seems to be running out for me. It's okay though. If this door shuts, I know another one will open. I am now partially separated after 29 years of marriage. Not much of a surprise there. It seems that a dispute or an argument always results in the famous words....."I'm done, and moving out." It never happens but it puts alot of stress on me when those words are said. In a way, I look at it like "Crying Wolf!" because after putting me in "panic mode" and wondering how I am going to take care of myself and my two kids still at home, the "other person" is back to normal. It feels like a routine now and I back up and keep my mouth shut so that it doesn't happen again. I guess being stepped on is normal to me and that's not right.
I cannot allow him to keep doing this to me. To keep scaring me and putting me through hell. Maybe in a way this is his plan. To break me. To make me so scared that I change into the person he wants me to be.
It's not going to happen. I am me. I am proud to be me and I won't change for anyone. I don't think anyone has the right to change a person's character.

We'll see what the future holds but working outside of the home is my best defense in trying to pay bills and to hopefully give myself a future. A future where I can take care of myself and the kids without having to rely on anyone else.
I hope in the long run, the race was worth running!

Life Changes

There comes a time in your life that you "need" more. I'm not talking about material possessions but more of a purpose. I've spent 26 years being a mom and working various jobs. I even had a few of my own small business ventures. In 2006 I started lampworking and a few months later, I started a business knowing NOTHING about the glass business. I started importing glass from Germany and within the states. I started from nothing and I am proud to say, turned this into a very well known company. I'm in awe on how many people know who I am. It just blows me away.
But sometimes we come to a point in our life where we want more. Don't get me wrong. I love what I do and every single customer is pretty much a friend of mine. We can talk about tons of things. All of them have gotten me through some rough times and have made me laugh in the midst of a storm. For them, I am grateful for their support.

This economy has hurt many of them which makes me sad. Even the big glass companies are hurting so much that they are offering sales that I just cannot compete with. It's frustrating. I love my glass distributor and all the girls in the office but I still don't have to agree with some of their business practices. I understand cutbacks, sales, layoffs and such but to undercut your own vendors is just wrong to me. We spend tens of thousands of dollars with them through the year and it just doesn't make sense. It has sucked the joy out of lampworking, jewelry making and anything else that has to do with the art. That shouldn't happen.

As it gets worse, I've had time to think about life. I need more out of it. I want to give back to my community and to make a difference in someone's life. That to me is what life is about. That's what brings a person joy:-) Something I don't have right now. In fact, I feel like someone is just sucking my creativity out of me and I don't enjoy doing what I loved just a year ago. That will have to be something I work on this year. It also doesn't help when your stuff that your proud of, worked hard making isn't selling either. Again, the economy has taken a toll.

So for now, I've taken a part time job, I have started the process of volunteering at my hospital and have also applied for employment at my hospital. It's time to give back! I hope it's the beginning of a new chapter in my life and something that will make me smile again.

Flame Kissed Glass will still be open. I'm not ready to give it up but need to supplement it with something positive if that makes sense. It might just be what the dr. ordered.

I hope you'll follow me on this journey of finding myself again. Like alot of mom's out there, It's finding yourself after your kids don't need you anymore.

I thank all my customers for their business and the fact that they keep coming back. I promise you that I will do my best in maintaining the customer service that you are accustomed to. Please be patient with me for a little while, as I figure out how all this fits in.
I love you all!!!!